November 7, 2008

#2 son (on the way to the dentist): I’m getting disbanded. What’s disbanded?

Me: We’re going to revoke your charter and split you up. Perhaps into molecules, if you keep asking questions.

You’re getting de-banded.

#2 Son: Disbanded and debanded would mean the same thing.

Me: Not in this case. You’re getting your braces off.

#2 Son: Oh.

Me: You didn’t know that?

The orthodontist is happy like it’s Christmas morning and she gets to unwrap. But #2 son is largely unmoved.

The new retainer gives him a lisp that improves his ability to do a Sean Connery impression. But it removes an existing talent. He can no longer whistle without using his lips.

Looking at the retainer, I now know where this was coming from. The plastic base is deep enough to use as a shot glass. The inside of this kid’s head is mostly hollow. If he wants to whistle, unlike Bogart, he does not have to put his lips together. He just blows.

It took me years to notice that he only formed his mouth in an O to humor us. And he thought we were all faking that bit, too, since it was totally unnecessary.

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