Now we’re cooking

January 27, 2009

Been gone for a while.

And as usual, it’s a book. Books, actually. I am doing 2 books in a continuity series, and am done with one. But as usual, there was a period of chaos, at the end, that takes me away from other projects.

Pictures of Havoc will be forthcoming, as soon as I can find the camera cable, and get him to sit still. And smile. Although he does his usual, cocked head, serious dog expression, he has added an opened mouth smile that can best be described as muppet on meth.

I spent some of the time when I was not blogging, watching the Food Network with #2 son. This is the child most likely to feed me in my own age. And in the manner I wish to be accustomed to, instead of the method I used to feed him (opening many cans, adding the half bottles of sauces from the back of the fridge, and calling it chili).

But for now, we pass many happy hours with the Food Network, watching other people cook, and talking about how nice it might be, if either of us felt like going to the kitchen and emulating them. It is a Mexican stand off.

Or in the case of anything cooked by Giada De Laurentiis, an Italian stand off.

For those of you across the pond, Giada is the same as Nigella, only Italian American. Her simple and delicious recipes are overshadowed by her cleavage, and tendency to taste her own cooking and lick her lips.

It is the perfect show to get teenage sons interested in cooking.

In a recent episode, she visited a family who she had once worked for, as a personal chef. The husband related an anecdote about the first time he came home to find a beautiful young woman in his kitchen, which was filling with smoke because she’d set a dish towel on fire.

#1 son’s response:
“Something’s hot in the kitchen, all right. I bet the stove wasn’t even on.”

A half an hour earlier, and pretty much on the opposite side of the culinary universe, we watch Semi Homemade, with Sandra Lee.

I feel almost lazy, blogging about Semi Homemade. It’s the low hanging fruit of food humor.

The photography is awful, the food scary. The host? Appears to be drunk. That is the only explanation for her behavior. And since every show has a cocktail recipe, I think I’m on solid ground with that assumption.

Sandra with a store bought angel cake may be blog worthy. But I prefer her, when she’s got a vodka bottle in one hand and is trying to tell me that martinis are made with frozen limeade. Or how about the recipe that involved a half a pitcher of Sambuca, a quarter pitcher of Kahula, and about a tablespoon of heavy cream.

This was to wash down the guacamole she was making, using frozen peas, and was part of a low cal ladies’ luncheon.

She described her drink as “light and refreshing.”

#2 son called it: “Heavy and alcoholic. Like your guests.”

At the end of the show, Sandra decorates the table for her theme dinner, with about as much ability as you would have, with no budget and a nose full of cheap hooch. Occasionally she will announce has made a charming frock out of the same fabric she used for the table cloth.

Wearing the table linens to a dinner party is never a good idea.

And all these brilliant ideas are delivered with a glass cutting, midwestern accent. Annoying as hell.

And then, I saw the episode where she announced that she was a graduate of the University of Wisconsin.

That accent? Is my accent.

But at least I know where she learned to mix her drinks.

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