I’m not stupid. I’m not Expendable. And I’m not going.

August 18, 2012

Like all historical romance novelists who have revisions due this week, I went to see The Expendables 2 last night.

#1 son seemed to think that the first Expendables wasn’t that good.  Clearly, college is giving him fancy ideas.  I argue that, having already seen The Losers and The A Team, that summer, The Expendables was clearly brilliant.

I had to search backward through the Watchmen movie to even remember the title of The Losers (the rejects? The replacements?  The one that had the guy who played the Comedian in Watchman, and that other guy who is not Ryan Reynolds, but actually, Chris Evans before he became Captain America and I started liking him).

The best thing about The Losers was the way the film broke when we saw it, and we got free passes to see another movie.

But I digress.

We are up to Expendables 2, now.  I am going to spoil it for you.

Actually, I don’t know if I can.  If you have seen any action movie in the last thirty years, you already know the plot.  There is a screen writing credit, but I don’t know if it’s accurate since the stars probably just brought old scripts, shuffled them together and read random lines of dialog.

Almost everyone you can imagine is already in there.  But time and gravity are doing things to necks and jaw lines.  It is like watching an aquarium full of turtles.  Except the turtles all have guns.

Sorry, Arnold.  You do not look the way you did when you made True Lies.  But then, I don’t look the way I did when you made True Lies, either.  We’ll let it pass.

And almost everyone includes Chuck Norris, which I actually view as a minus.  I used to go to Chuck Norris movies, because I love my husband, and want him to be happy.  But the last time I went to one  in a theater, I fell asleep.  And that was over 20 years ago, when I didn’t need so many naps.

At the Vietnamese nail salon I go to, they tend to play Walker, Texas Ranger on the TV.  I hate Walker.  And all his friends.  And the stupid theme song.  The eyes of a ranger are upon me?

Well stop staring.  You’re creeping me out.

But it would cost at an extra thirty bucks to go to a Walker-free day spa.   And my annoyance level even for Chuck Norris, caps out around $25.  And he kind of has to be in this movie, since it’s like having a complete set of trading cards to get him.

The only one missing is Steven Segal.  And I hope they never play that particular card, because I hate him worse than Chuck.

And I really like Jason Statham.  There is a lot of him in this movie.  But he keeps his shirt on at all times, which is a wasted opportunity, in my opinion.  It’s like a fully clothed Ryan Reynolds.  Who wants one of those?  Taking off a shirt can make me forgive a lot in a weak performance.

But seriously.

If you don’t want to know more about the plot, you should probably stop reading.

Say, if  you don’t want to know that Jean-Claude Van Damme plays a villain named Vilain (spell check is our friend. Just put another L in there and call it a day)

Or if you don’t want to know that there is a mine full of plutonium, or something.  And Jean Claude will sell it and destabilize the world.  Except at the end, the CIA gets it.  But that’s OK because they totally knew where it was already, and I am sure we can trust them with it.

Or if, even though the preview said “Helmsworth” it meant Liam and not Chris.

Which is probably why he is stuck as a painfully earnest character named Billy, who calls everyone Sir and who everyone calls Kid.  And who started mercenary-ing because someone killed his dog.  And is only going to do it ‘til the end of the month, but he is so painfully nice that he gives notice before quitting from a suicide squad.

Did I mention that he has a really nice girlfriend back home (or in France.  Which we are calling back home for the sake of analogy).

I gave #2 Son these clues.  And he said,

“What?  Is he dead?”

I’m not telling.  Because that would spoil the movie.

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