Chris spoils a movie

April 6, 2010

For Easter weekend, we did about what one would expect. The family, my Paxil and I visited my parents. And then, we went to Clash of the Titans.

I was not a big fan of the original. I have many fond memories of all the other Ray Harryhausen movies. But times were simpler when those were made. I was younger, and had lower expectations. By the time Clash came out, I was in college, unimpressed by the creaky special effects, bored by the narcoleptic Harry Hamlin and his enormous hair, and annoyed by the stupid, tin owl.

This month, I watched the old movie twice. Once with each son.
Their opinion?

It was clearly a golden age of cinema. There are several bare breasts.
Not bad for a movie made back in the 50’s. 60’s. Wait. The 80’s? You’re kidding. Ouch.
And what’s the deal with the owl?

Also this cartoon, which was only funny before, is now hysterical.

But we all pretty much agree that, bad as the original was, it is better than the new movie.
Spoilers ahead.
But I figure, you either know how this movie ends, or you don’t care.

Clash of the Titans

abridged script by Christine Merrill

Perseus: I am the son of a humble fisherman who was killed by the Gods.

Cassiopeia: Meet my daughter, who is prettier than a goddess.

Andromeda: Oh, Mother. (Bats eyes at Perseus.)

He ignores her.

Hades: You’re all gonna get it now. (Points at Perseus) Except you, son of Zeus.

Perseus: He’s not my real father!

Io: Actually, yes he is. Trust me. I’m cursed by the Gods to be immortally beautiful.

Andromeda: Since when? You’re cursed by the Gods to be a fly bitten heifer.

Io: Shut up.

Andromeda: And you slept with Zeus.

Perseus: Show of hands. Anyone here who hasn’t slept with Zeus?

Andromeda: Me. Meeeee. Pick me.

Perseus: Okaaaay. Anyone else?

Russian mercenaries appear and raise hands

Nameless warrior guy: Let’s go find the Stygian witches. Take everything except the stupid, tin owl.

Stupid tin owl: You can’t afford me. This is just a cameo.

NWG: And take your gifts from the Gods.

Perseus: I am my own man. I refuse them.

NWG: We’re doomed.

Calibos: Hi everybody. I bleed scorpions. And I’m Perseus’ real father. Zeus disguised himself as me to seduce your mother.

Audience: You are not. Last time, you were beloved of Andromeda.

Calibus: Not anymore.

Andromeda: (throwing hands in the air in frustration). Oh, come on.

Audience: And Perseus’ mother was seduced by a shower of gold.

Calibus: I’ve been ret conned. Our target demo is teenage boys with internet access. No golden showers.

Perseus: I will kill Calibus with my plain old mortal sword. And I refuse the white winged horses as well. White horses are for pussies. I want a black one. And paint some flames on it. That would be cool.

Zeus: No flames.

Perseus: You’re not my real father.

Zeus: Go to Hell! Here’s some money. And take a sweater…

Perseus: I hate you! But I’ll take your money.

NWG: And the other gifts from the Gods. Because we’re in over our heads, and your dad only gave you enough money for a one way trip.

Russian mercenaries: Take this shield that we made out of the back of the big, indestructible and strangely shiny scorpion. It is impervious to everything (except whatever we used to cut it with).

Perseus: If it’s impervious, how did you bolt these straps on the back?

Russians: Super glue.

Djinn: Let me come, too.

Everyone: You’re not even Greek. What are you doing here?

Djinn: Waiting for the remake of the Golden Voyage of Sinbad.

They go to Medusa.
Everyone dies but Perseus.

Perseus: OK. I guess you were right about the gifts from the Gods. I could have saved everyone with them. Oh well. Live and learn. Back to Argos.

Zeus: Release the Kraken.

Audience: It’s about damn time.

Andromeda (dangling by wrists): Why does everyone hate me?

Perseus turns the Kraken to stone, and it falls on Andromeda and knocks her in the water.

Andromeda: Thanks a bunch.

Perseus: (Diving in) I’ll save you.

Andromeda: There are big, long ropes tied to my arms.

Perseus: I’m swimming. I’m swimming.

Andromeda: (sinking) Use the ropes. Tow me to shore.

Perseus: I’m swimming. I’m swimming.

Andromeda: (sinking deeper) You were a fisherman, right? Were you
any good? Because I really am not seeing that.

He saves her.

Andromeda: Where the hell are we?

Perseus: On an island, miles from Argos. See the fleet on the horizon?

Andromeda: Hell. But you’re coming back with me, right? Because I’ve read this story. I know how it ends.

Perseus: Actually…

Io: Hi, Perseus. I’m back from the dead.

Perseus: Sweet.

Zeus to Io: Call me.

roll credits

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